I Dream In Digital (And Other Confessions Of A Hopeless Artist)

As I sit here listening to the white-crowned sparrows singing and feeding just feet away from me, my mind wanders.  I try my hardest to stay in the moment and enjoy the sights and sounds; no matter how hard I focus, my mind drifts towards images of digital art and the next project I want to start.  Darn. Art got the best of me again.

Even in the garden, today, art is winning.  Winning over sunshine, warm breezes, tasty iced tea and birds.  And if truth be told, it has taken hold of my soul and shows no signs of letting go.  If I could explain it, living with art goes something like this:

1)     Every moment of every day is filled with images that have a life of their own and they stand in line in the recesses of your mind, waiting to be born.

2)     You’re only really happy when you’re creating and even then, you wish you could be this happy doing everything else or that there was nothing else that needed doing so you could just make art.

3)     Even in your happiest moments away from art, you catch glimpses of beauty so wonderful that it inspires yet another piece that you must now create.

4)     You negotiate with yourself ways to get all else out of the way so that you can get back to your art as soon as possible, but ultimately other parts of your life lose that battle (especially housework).

5)     Even when you have a huge repertoire of artwork, you still feel compelled to create more because the images keep coming into your mind, even in dreams at night.

6)     You never really feel that a piece is finished, so you must intuitively abandon it a point in time and hope it’s the right time.

7)     You actually work longer hours at something that, for a long while doesn’t even come close to giving you an income like a day job that would slowly squeeze the life out of your soul, but for some reason you never tire of it.

8)     You live and breathe art, every moment and it makes you happy and sad all at once but you will never look back on this path with regret.

9)     Recognition, praise or glory are not what drive you to live this life of seclusion and wasted guilt.  There’s no glamour.  You create because it’s your purpose and that silent knowing keeps you going. 

As quickly as my mind left this perfect moment to confess what art is for me, I’m brought back by a sound from above.  I sip my cold drink and catch myself smiling.  My laptop comes out of sleep mode and the desktop wallpaper is one of my winter pictures (and I wander off again and think to myself  ‘I really must update this picture, or touch it up, or...’).  Sigh.  Overhead, an eagle soars and with it, my heart.

A Letter To My Younger Self

The other day, I was taking photos of crimson and gold leaves in a landscape that just a few weeks before, was still green.  The gradual changes in its appearance struck me and I was sent back in time to my earlier days of adulthood, prior to the many twists and turns my life would take.  As I sat there in the changing colours of the season, thoughts about the changing seasons of my own life prompted this letter to my younger self:

My Dearest Self,

You're barely 20 years old, but already your ambitions and desire to climb beyond your humble beginnings make me proud.  Though your family supports you and is proud as well, they are struggling with difficult things right now, so your departure for the 'real world' goes somewhat unnoticed.  This will make you stronger though, as you learn to rely on yourself and the inner warrior that you are.

But beware.  Being stoic and independent will come at a cost.  You'll come to refuse help or support from anyone, afraid to burden them with your problems; and thus, many bad decisions will follow as you fend for yourself and jump the gun.

Although you've always been mature beyond your years, you lack proper guidance.  You are so caught up in moving forward and leaving your past behind that your forge ahead and ignore the warning signs your intuition is giving you.  Within the next two decades, this will all catch up with you and bring your stoic walls down.  Don't be afraid though, it will all eventually be o.k.

You will develop a persistent physical ailment that will sometimes disable your body and cripple your spirit.  There will be suffering as your ego struggles with accepting that you need others during these difficult times.  You'll also be frustrated at the lack of understanding and quick judgments people make based on your seemingly 'healthy' appearance, and sometimes you'll feel sorry for yourself.

But you will have a few strong friends along the way that help you find acceptance and compassion for yourself.  You will eventually drift apart in proximity, but the closeness and gratitude you feel for them will always remain in your heart.

Over time, you'll lose alot of independence, the driving force that lead you here, and you will have to rely on your spouse and family for things you cannot accomplish alone.  You'll feel alot of guilt about it as you are less able to support them and yourself and you'll compare yourself to more 'able-bodied' women.  But alas, this is a waste of precious time!  Your inner strength wil eventually emerge and with complete surrender, you'll come to see that every challenge has hidden opportunities.  In your simple and secluded lifestyle, photography and art will be your greatest solace.

Hold strong to your resilient spirit and always remember who you are. Share your gifts with those who receive them.  Know that you are loved and blessed beyond belief.

In love and compassion,

If you could write to your younger self, what would you say?

On To New Adventures!

I can hardly believe that it's almost August already.  The past year has been such an adventure for me and I'm ready for more.  I don't think many people have the same definition of adventure as I do, but that's fine.

I've had the opportunity in the last year to build a few websites and blogs and start planning for what I've been dreaming of for quite some time:  working at home doing what I love.