The other day, I was taking photos of crimson and gold leaves in a landscape that just a few weeks before, was still green. The gradual changes in its appearance struck me and I was sent back in time to my earlier days of adulthood, prior to the many twists and turns my life would take. As I sat there in the changing colours of the season, thoughts about the changing seasons of my own life prompted this letter to my younger self:
My Dearest Self,
You're barely 20 years old, but already your ambitions and desire to climb beyond your humble beginnings make me proud. Though your family supports you and is proud as well, they are struggling with difficult things right now, so your departure for the 'real world' goes somewhat unnoticed. This will make you stronger though, as you learn to rely on yourself and the inner warrior that you are.
But beware. Being stoic and independent will come at a cost. You'll come to refuse help or support from anyone, afraid to burden them with your problems; and thus, many bad decisions will follow as you fend for yourself and jump the gun.
Although you've always been mature beyond your years, you lack proper guidance. You are so caught up in moving forward and leaving your past behind that your forge ahead and ignore the warning signs your intuition is giving you. Within the next two decades, this will all catch up with you and bring your stoic walls down. Don't be afraid though, it will all eventually be o.k.
You will develop a persistent physical ailment that will sometimes disable your body and cripple your spirit. There will be suffering as your ego struggles with accepting that you need others during these difficult times. You'll also be frustrated at the lack of understanding and quick judgments people make based on your seemingly 'healthy' appearance, and sometimes you'll feel sorry for yourself.
But you will have a few strong friends along the way that help you find acceptance and compassion for yourself. You will eventually drift apart in proximity, but the closeness and gratitude you feel for them will always remain in your heart.
Over time, you'll lose alot of independence, the driving force that lead you here, and you will have to rely on your spouse and family for things you cannot accomplish alone. You'll feel alot of guilt about it as you are less able to support them and yourself and you'll compare yourself to more 'able-bodied' women. But alas, this is a waste of precious time! Your inner strength wil eventually emerge and with complete surrender, you'll come to see that every challenge has hidden opportunities. In your simple and secluded lifestyle, photography and art will be your greatest solace.
Hold strong to your resilient spirit and always remember who you are. Share your gifts with those who receive them. Know that you are loved and blessed beyond belief.
In love and compassion,
If you could write to your younger self, what would you say?
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